Couples Counseling Articles

The Huge Gap Between Should-ing and Share-ing

pointing-fingersSome couples spend an enormous amount of energy trying to get their partner to comply.

You know it’s happening when the ‘shoulding’ starts.

You shouldn’t load the dishwasher that way.

You should be happy I loaded it.

Your apology doesn’t sound sincere. You should say it like this….

It’s an endless loop and toxic to any relationship.

What if people chose to put all that energy into sharing instead?

What if partners committed themselves to each other AND to the delicate work of tuning in and connecting?

Shoulding is wasted energy because most people want to please their partner. Desperately.

What if partners chose to attune to each other’s strengths rather than reform their shortcomings?

What if partners learned to delight in each other’s everyday company?

Sounds airy-fairy and simple enough but this can be difficult and takes commitment.

Few people want to do this work. Most say, “You fix it while I focus on other things and if you can figure him/her out then maybe I’ll buy in. Meanwhile, who has time? I’ve got things to do. Besides, I tried that already.”

Relationships would be a lot more successful if they were about creating an atmosphere where lovers can safely share. Most people want to explore the terrain of partnership. Nobody wants to tiptoe around, walking on eggshells or stepping on land mines.

A committed partner with access to emotional safety is highly motivated, thoughtful, creative and nearly unstoppable.

The best partners provide the most safety.