Helping People Connect
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
The story you tell yourself is true, but only for you.
We see and hear everything through our own eyes and ears.
Our brain compares what we see and hear to what we expect. Then, our brain creates stories around every interaction we have.
We form an opinion, make judgments and the story we tell ourself becomes our truth. It’s our understanding of the world. Those stories become our belief… about a person, place or situation. It’s how we make sense of things.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Relationships don’t fall apart because of an argument. You and your partner both know mistakes happen. It’s what happens after the argument that can undermine your love for each other. How we repair the injury caused by our blunders is what matters most. That’s where the world of possibility lies.
If you’re available, responsive and engaged and you’re able to stay with your lover’s pain, a door opens to the possibility of building a partnership that’s even stronger than before. It creates a ripple effect that flows into other relationships and supports everyone around you – especially children.
More often than not, we’re focused on not making mistakes. We spend a life-time walking on eggshells and filled with so much shame and blame that we forget about the emotional labor of showing up and staying the course.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
In relationships, it seems we find a temporary respite… once we figure out how to move away from an anxious moment.
We take the feeling and tuck it, stuff it, ignore it, shove it down, swallow it, absorb it, compartmentalize it, internalize it, pretend it doesn’t apply, hurt or matter.
We skillfully stiffen and blame……
Look the other way to keep from facing fears we don’t even acknowledge… or have words for.
And thanks to brilliant coping mechanisms, electronic devices, social media, 18 hour work days and a hyper-connected culture of friends… we can distract ourselves indefinitely. We call it… moving on.
But we don’t move on. Ever.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Sue Johnson, the world’s leading couples therapist and researcher talks about intimate relationship as a ‘dance that shapes and recreates the dancers’.
Relationship is about relating; ‘It’s a dance of synchrony requiring partners to improvise and tune in to each other’.
For entertainment we watch movies where brilliant actors talk and pick up each other’s flawless cues.
They respond perfectly. Dreamily. Lovingly. That’s why we pay them $20 million a picture, after all.
