My attorney married his college sweetheart after she finished medical school.
They were married only a short time, which he describes as the loneliest three years of his life.
To this day, he has never remarried.
In 2018, loneliness emerged as a silent epidemic in North America.
In today’s almost-post-quarantine-world, we have a national health crisis on our hands.
Oddly, loneliness is not defined by our surroundings nor does it have a direct relationship to distance or geography.
We can feel lonely and emotionally alone even in beautiful space with people we love.
It’s an internal sense or comfort level and is distinct from solitude.
Solitude is an opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. It’s voluntary and tends to enhance our personal growth, creativity and well-being. It brings up emotions…but in a good way.
Loneliness feels heavy and is burdened with shame. Stigma surrounds it and creates an unconscious desire to escape. The brain says, “Anywhere but here.”
In research circles, there is an evolution in thinking about loneliness and its link to depression, anxiety and addiction.
Meanwhile, most people have become experts at suppressing loneliness with magical thinking and….let’s admit it….our over use of electronic devices.
When that doesn’t work, we withdraw, stay busy or self-medicate with something or someone.
As unrelenting as the state of loneliness may seem, it is reversible.
First, we can lift the burden of shame by recognizing and acknowledging that we all need human connection as much as we need food and water.
Then we can de-stigmatize loneliness by talking about our experiences and understanding it for what it is:
a near-universal human condition we can do something about.
After binge watching The Crown a while back, I read that Winston Churchill frequently ran Britain from bed.
He’d stay there till 1pm with his typewriter and Scotch, reading and firing off memos to his ministers.
I’ve always loved that idea and considering where we are these days…..I can tell you…..it’s …awesome!
It’s also luxurious and feels REALLY GOOD. (Minus the Scotch – ONLY because I can’t consume alcohol and work at the same time!)
Where is she going with this?…. you ask.
Well…..I want to remind you, that love and connection feel REALLY GOOD too!
If that feel-good sensation is missing in your relationship, consider this…..
It’s always confusing when partners experience emotional pain AND profess to love each other.
Look a little closer and you’ll notice a sense of unsafe-ness or lack of trust. It happens when we feel
Judged
Invisible
Unappreciated
Unheard
Rejected
Overwhelmed
Not-good enough or
Shamed.
It’s also there when we feel
Hurt
Abandoned
Unimportant
Unwanted
Isolated
Alone
Disconnected or
Desperate.
ALL of these emotions are real and reflect a lack of emotional safety and trust.
This is when our hearts hurt, our brains light up like Christmas trees and our central nervous system goes into overdrive.
This is a UNIVERSAL human experience….and happens automatically when we feel unsafe.
Our bodies (and our brains) respond with the Fight, Flight or Freeze response.
No matter who we are, what we do for a living or where we come from…. our brains and hearts ALWAYS want to know:
Are you there for me?
Am I safe with you?
How are we doing?
What’s next? and
Where do we go from here?
If the answer to any of these questions is ambiguous or a flat out ’No’…… bad things start to happen….from the inside out.
This year, more than any other, our emotions and reactions have been on steroids.
So give yourself – and those around you – a break.
Do whatever you need to do and make mental Wellness YOUR top priority for 2021.
That means committing to self-care by…
Getting enough sleep.
Eating clean food.
Hydrating often.
Moving your body.
Tapping into wisdom.
Having a spiritual connection and…. above all else
Cultivating relationships.
If you can’t do them all – then simply pick ONE and start.
This crazy, crisis-filled year has been a challenge for everyone – including the entire Wellness Team!
We’ve learned a lot and Self-Care is one of the things we’re keenly aware of – now more than ever.
That’s why I want to share a few important details with you before taking my own, personal long-awaited and well-deserved time off.
Our offices will have very limited coverage beginning Monday December 21 thru Friday, January 1 inclusive. We will be back at our desks Monday January 4. We will check email and return calls during that time – but on a very limited basis.
Because what we do is so important to our clients and their families, it’s a priority for the Wellness team to take some solid time to rest and celebrate with our own families.
Please plan accordingly.
If you have questions or want to schedule an appointment, we’d love to hear from you.
You can reach us at or 704-319-5593.
We can serve you best if you let us know what you need as soon as possible
If there’s a little lag time, be patient.
We will get back to you!
We appreciate YOU more than words can say and want only the BEST for you.
We wish you a wonderful Holiday Season and encourage you to take good care of your (PRECIOUS) self and the people you care about!
The story you tell yourself is true, but only for you.
We see and hear everything through our own eyes and ears.
Our brain compares what we see and hear to what we expect. Then, our brain creates stories around every interaction we have.
We form an opinion, make judgments and the story we tell ourself becomes our truth. It’s our understanding of the world. Those stories become our belief… about a person, place or situation. It’s how we make sense of things.
Whatever it is for YOU…. if you’re trying hard to make things better – you’re not alone.
We’re all pretty good about attending to our children, homes and careers. Yet when it comes to our primary relationship, most of us wing it and hope for the best. STOP!
What YOU want for your relationship is more important today than ever before.
It’s time to dig deep and think about the ONE thing that’s likely to make everything better.
You know what I’m talking about….connection.
It creates the kind of closeness you experience when you have important conversations…. without slipping into that dreaded negative spin.
Connection is a must-have for 21st century relationships and exactly what you’ll experience in our couples workshops.
Somehow, we got the message that love is mystical and magical. That it appears, then disappears. Motivates us. Confuses us. And, of course, we have no control over it.
Not true!
Over the past 10 years or so we’ve learned a lot about love. Brain science has completely changed our understanding of what’s possible when it comes to shaping a loving relationship.
So much so that our whole culture is shifting and personal expectations are growing. Have you noticed? While we used to settle for good enough, today we want connection.
We want to be cherished, accepted, respected and understood. We want more from our partners and while it doesn’t have to be perfect… we believe we deserve better.
To bring into or establish association, connection or relation.
To establish a social or sympathetic relationship with a person or thing.
Relating is for people who want to matter. In intimate partnerships it’s about protecting and supporting each other and is the essential ingredient for a fulfilling relationship.
When it’s missing, we’re disconnected and our relationships feel stuck. The stuck-ness is real. It’s undeniable truth, not just a metaphor. Stuck-ness triggers us and shows up in ways that will spin you around, take you down and drop you off in the middle of nowhere – lonely and confused.
That’s the power of emotional disconnection.
That peaceful, loving state we all strive for vanishes.
