Not terribly long ago almost everyone grew their own food and wove their own cloth.
Then, fueled by the discovery of steam power, the Industrial Revolution burst onto the scene around 1750.
It continued through the 1800’s as a Technological Revolution brought us scientific innovation and mass production.
The 1900’s ushered in the Information Age, quantum physics and, by the early 2000’s we all witnessed the Digital Revolution as it permeated our lives.
Today we have a boundless universe of information at our fingertips, an obesity epidemic and far more stuff than we can ever use.
On social media we stage, enhance and perform our lives for other’s consumption while we tally clicks, likes and friends.
Yes, the internet connects us in many ways yet the technology that was supposed to ‘save’ us time instead has us time-starved and drowning in digital soup.
Simultaneously, loneliness is near universal and considered the #1 public health risk in North America.
As I see it, there’s another revolution emerging; one that will transform us and our planet.
It will take work as we toggle back and forth between joy and pain, commit to be better humans and learn to love well.
Whether thinking about what you’re going to do today, or for the rest of your life – generosity is a great place to start.
It’s different than tolerance which allows or endures.
Generosity is kind in spirit.
It leads to happiness and engagement in a world that appears increasingly unhappy and disconnected.
Generosity requires effort and self-trust such that you can take your mind off yourself and your problems long enough to be present and see someone else’s pain.
It takes guts and willingness to be generous.
It also takes emotional labor; enough that you’ll stay in the game when the biggest part of you wants to shut down and walk away.
Most relationships end up pretty far from where they start out.
Life dishes out lots of challenges, speed bumps and misunderstandings. But when partners persist and are open to change, they can create a safe space for peace and connection.
This doesn’t mean we lead a problem-free life. Rather, life’s challenges can bring us closer and allow us to share what may sometimes feel like a heavy load.
This perspective – leaning into difficult situations together and without struggle – also allows things to untangle in ways that may seem unfamiliar.
Often, the problem is how we relate to each other in everyday challenges and unknowingly step into negative cycles that disconnect us from peace and the people we love.
We humans work hard to get away from rather ordinary yet uncomfortable feelings and situations.
It could be something as simple as being annoyed or hurt by a partner’s comment and leaving the room as frustration bubbles up. Anything to get away and stop those awful feelings.
It takes only a fraction of a second for your brain to interpret the comment and weave a story around it.
In fact, your brain might weave another story around the situation…and then another, and another…making the situation in your mind even more vivid while your frustration turns to rage.
You might be able to tuck it away for a while but sometimes it’s too late and the tension boils over.
If you’re super creative, you’ll find new ways to self-soothe and try to hang in there until things blow over.
But they don’t blow over. Not really. And they don’t go away.
They go underground and linger until the next annoying comment fires up your brain and the negative cycle starts all over again.
When I saw the NASA Webb images last month, I felt a deep sense of humility.
This new chapter of scientific exploration takes my breath away and some things came into focus….things I probably should have understood but didn’t.
Not really.
Here’s what became clear for me:
In the scheme of things, Earth is remarkably insignificant. (But it’s all we’ve got.)
In our own lives, we typically think of empty time and space as unproductive – something to be used or filled as quicky as possible.
By filling time and space to capacity, we lose sight of ourselves.
We’re on autopilot, busy and distracted.
On the rare occasion when we pause, we find it uncomfortable rather than delicious.
In fact, it can be unnerving and can affect our relationships deeply.
We search for something to say….something to do. Anything to avoid the emptiness.
What if, instead, we viewed empty time and space as a cauldron of creative potential…. something that deserves our attention.
Devotion.
Once we understand even the tiniest speck of emptiness contains pure potentiality…pure creativity… we could start to build a framework of value around emptiness.
It’s everywhere.
Emptiness allows us to make sense of words.
For example, there’s empty space between certain letters on the screen and….as we read, that emptiness gives birth to meaning.
Likewise, the space between musical notes and the pause between beautiful phrases allows us to enjoy a symphony or a love song.
The pure potential of empty time and space shows up in our relationships too.
Stillness reveals what’s inside us.
Sometimes, it’s spontaneous joy.
Other times unwelcome emotions and unspeakable thoughts bubble up. They launch us into behaviors we later regret.
Perhaps it’s equally important to explore our inner space.
Because when we turn away from emptiness, we turn away from co-creating our future.
My attorney married his college sweetheart after she finished medical school.
They were married only a short time, which he describes as the loneliest three years of his life.
To this day, he has never remarried.
In 2018, loneliness emerged as a silent epidemic in North America.
In today’s almost-post-quarantine-world, we have a national health crisis on our hands.
Oddly, loneliness is not defined by our surroundings nor does it have a direct relationship to distance or geography.
We can feel lonely and emotionally alone even in beautiful space with people we love.
It’s an internal sense or comfort level and is distinct from solitude.
Solitude is an opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. It’s voluntary and tends to enhance our personal growth, creativity and well-being. It brings up emotions…but in a good way.
Loneliness feels heavy and is burdened with shame. Stigma surrounds it and creates an unconscious desire to escape. The brain says, “Anywhere but here.”
In research circles, there is an evolution in thinking about loneliness and its link to depression, anxiety and addiction.
Meanwhile, most people have become experts at suppressing loneliness with magical thinking and….let’s admit it….our over use of electronic devices.
When that doesn’t work, we withdraw, stay busy or self-medicate with something or someone.
As unrelenting as the state of loneliness may seem, it is reversible.
First, we can lift the burden of shame by recognizing and acknowledging that we all need human connection as much as we need food and water.
Then we can de-stigmatize loneliness by talking about our experiences and understanding it for what it is:
a near-universal human condition we can do something about.
After binge watching The Crown a while back, I read that Winston Churchill frequently ran Britain from bed.
He’d stay there till 1pm with his typewriter and Scotch, reading and firing off memos to his ministers.
I’ve always loved that idea and considering where we are these days…..I can tell you…..it’s …awesome!
It’s also luxurious and feels REALLY GOOD. (Minus the Scotch – ONLY because I can’t consume alcohol and work at the same time!)
Where is she going with this?…. you ask.
Well…..I want to remind you, that love and connection feel REALLY GOOD too!
If that feel-good sensation is missing in your relationship, consider this…..
It’s always confusing when partners experience emotional pain AND profess to love each other.
Look a little closer and you’ll notice a sense of unsafe-ness or lack of trust. It happens when we feel
Judged
Invisible
Unappreciated
Unheard
Rejected
Overwhelmed
Not-good enough or
Shamed.
It’s also there when we feel
Hurt
Abandoned
Unimportant
Unwanted
Isolated
Alone
Disconnected or
Desperate.
ALL of these emotions are real and reflect a lack of emotional safety and trust.
This is when our hearts hurt, our brains light up like Christmas trees and our central nervous system goes into overdrive.
This is a UNIVERSAL human experience….and happens automatically when we feel unsafe.
Our bodies (and our brains) respond with the Fight, Flight or Freeze response.
No matter who we are, what we do for a living or where we come from…. our brains and hearts ALWAYS want to know:
Are you there for me?
Am I safe with you?
How are we doing?
What’s next? and
Where do we go from here?
If the answer to any of these questions is ambiguous or a flat out ’No’…… bad things start to happen….from the inside out.
This year, more than any other, our emotions and reactions have been on steroids.
So give yourself – and those around you – a break.
Do whatever you need to do and make mental Wellness YOUR top priority for 2021.
That means committing to self-care by…
Getting enough sleep.
Eating clean food.
Hydrating often.
Moving your body.
Tapping into wisdom.
Having a spiritual connection and…. above all else
Cultivating relationships.
If you can’t do them all – then simply pick ONE and start.
This crazy, crisis-filled year has been a challenge for everyone – including the entire Wellness Team!
We’ve learned a lot and Self-Care is one of the things we’re keenly aware of – now more than ever.
That’s why I want to share a few important details with you before taking my own, personal long-awaited and well-deserved time off.
Our offices will have very limited coverage beginning Monday December 21 thru Friday, January 1 inclusive. We will be back at our desks Monday January 4. We will check email and return calls during that time – but on a very limited basis.
Because what we do is so important to our clients and their families, it’s a priority for the Wellness team to take some solid time to rest and celebrate with our own families.
Please plan accordingly.
If you have questions or want to schedule an appointment, we’d love to hear from you.
You can reach us at or 704-319-5593.
We can serve you best if you let us know what you need as soon as possible
If there’s a little lag time, be patient.
We will get back to you!
We appreciate YOU more than words can say and want only the BEST for you.
We wish you a wonderful Holiday Season and encourage you to take good care of your (PRECIOUS) self and the people you care about!
