Love is perfect, but our relationships are often less than that. We get busy and distracted, and sometimes our communication is less than perfect. This can lead to misunderstandings where we miss each other completely.
We struggle trying to figure out what we need, what our partner wants, and how to make it work. We try to meet expectations — our own and our partner’s — and when we miss the mark, we feel a sense of failure and try harder … or we stop trying.
All this effort can create chaos, distance, and exhaustion. It also gives us a chance to examine how to grow closer.
Why Love Can Be Challenging
Our most important relationships can be difficult, even when we love our partner deeply.
We usually come from unique backgrounds, with different ideas about how things should be done. Coming from different religions, cultures, and family traditions, we often have radically different ideas about how the world works.
These differences can cause friction, but they also provide enormous opportunities for us to grow and evolve. They give us the chance to practice “Wabi Sabi Love,” a concept so beautiful Arielle Ford wrote a book about it.
Wabi Sabi is the ancient Japanese art form that finds beauty and perfection in imperfection. Wabi Sabi celebrates flaws and irregularities, suggesting that beauty lies in the uniqueness of objects and experiences rather than in their perfection.
Wabi Sabi Love encourages us to appreciate our differences instead of trying to hide or change them.
Tips for Accepting Imperfection in a Relationship
If you believe as I do:
- There is no perfect human
- We all have imperfections, and
- Life is about growth and evolution, then…
- Relationships are no different.
If you find yourself saying “Well, yes, but I want him/her to be different,” this can lead to fights and enormous frustration.
First, let’s see things as they are, not how we wish them to be. This shift helps us appreciate our partner for who they truly are. It helps us see them and situations clearly.
See With Fresh Eyes
Look at your partner. Try seeing them as if you’re meeting them for the first time. This perspective helps you remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Setting aside small irritations allows you to focus on what truly matters in your relationship. If you find that impossible, it’s time to take a closer look at how you view things … maybe even have a conversation about how challenging this is for you.
Embrace Imperfections
Wabi Sabi Love teaches us to accept and love the imperfections in ourselves and our partners. It’s about finding value in the little quirks that make a relationship unique. This way of thinking can turn arguments into opportunities for connection.
Don’t Wait for a Crisis
It’s important to give attention to the cracks in our relationships before big problems arise. Recurring arguments are the single most obvious sign that an intimate partnership is in distress. If we wait too long, the arguments escalate and partners start pushing each other away, ultimately leading separate lives.
Instead, what if we started to take care of our relationships regularly much the same way we maintain our physical and oral health by seeing our physician and dentist regularly?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is the kind of therapy that helps couples attend to the cracks in their relationship and strengthen their bonds. It helps partners have conversations that promote understanding while building a stronger connection.
How to Practice Better Love
Largely unexplored, love is the most powerful force in the universe. Does it improve our relationships when we learn to use this powerful force wisely? You bet!
By holding onto and tapping into loving energy, we can communicate more effectively and create harmony — but it takes practice. Here are our top tips:
- Listen Carefully: Make an effort to understand what your partner really means.
- Celebrate Differences: Appreciate the unique qualities your partner brings into your life.
- Practice Empathy: Try to see situations from your partner’s point of view.
- Express Appreciation: Regularly tell your partner what you love about them.
- Seek Understanding: When disagreements happen, focus on understanding each other’s feelings instead of trying to understand facts.
I’m reminded that Leonard Cohen, the songwriter, had something to say about imperfection too:
“Ring the bells that still can ring … forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything … that’s how the light gets in.”
Cohen encapsulates the themes of imperfection, acceptance, and the idea that beauty and understanding emerge from flaws and imperfections.
Somehow, I do believe if we can learn to accept our imperfections and approach one another with an open heart, we can strengthen our relationships. This is a big idea, and I have enormous hope that we humans have the capacity to transform our relationships into something beautiful. If you have questions about the benefits of working with a supportive counselor to help strengthen your relationship, we invite you to connect with our team.
