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Couples Counseling Articles

Couples Counseling

Hope, Happiness & Connection

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In a world of collective uncertainty, most of us are starting to see the cracks in our relationships, our culture and ourselves.

We feel pressure yet we still hope our closest relationship ends in happily-ever-after…with some everyday happiness sprinkled in along the way.

And, while most of us aren’t expecting perfection or happiness 100% of the time, usually, somewhere along life’s journey, things get challenging and we start accepting painful, relationship chaos with a shrug.

“That’s just the way it is.” You might say.

“Suck it up and move on.”

“We’re busy people, after all”…and so we do…move on…sometimes for years.

We humans are brilliant at compartmentalizing emotions, pressing the reset button and ‘moving on’, so to speak.

Culturally, we may even see it as effective…a sign of strength…or confidence.

The underlying message is… maybe if I stand back and do nothing, things will get better.

Hope has a strong pull on us.

And while hope is important, we rarely see it as a less than optimal relationship strategy.

Hope can trap us into thinking things will improve over time…on their own…without the emotional labor required to expand the way we love, relate and communicate with each other.

So, when you’re ready to plant a seed of connection, take a moment, pause and ask yourself:

What do I truly want my relationship to look like / feel like?

Am I able to express that to my partner/friend/family member clearly; with generosity and without blame?

Drop the assumption “I’m trying…I’m doing everything…and they are the uncaring, unreasonable one.”

Look inward.

Consider dropping your demand for the kind of happiness that looks outward.

As the co-creator of every relationship you’ve ever been in…rather than examining how others show up for you…start by looking inward…and ask:

How do I imagine I show up in this relationship?

Then ask:

How do I actually show up?

Love and Relationship Principles

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Relationship core principles are not tools, rules or methods that are set in stone.

And this is really important…  

They’re a framework for loving that we can adapt and make our own.  

  • Availability
  • Kindness
  • Curiosity
  • Presence
  • Engagement
  • Listening
  • Generosity
  • Responsiveness
  • Patience
  • Acceptance

As concepts, they’re so simple that we might scoff and brush them off as ‘fortune cookie wisdom’. 

But applying them every day… in a life dedicated to incorporating loving qualities…well…that’s where we are all challenged.

Still, we try. 

We set out each morning with the best intentions…and for whatever reason, things rarely work out as planned.

In our head we see ourselves as kind and loving, yet we can end up feeling misunderstood, unappreciated, invisible…and frustrated.

The important thing to remember is these principles are guides.

They are a definitive way to approach a relationship and function in the world.

The key is doing; not merely imagining or thinking about them on a conceptual level.

It’s Love…yes with a capital L…when we live them.

It’s LOVE when we  do them…implement and experience them…rather than think about them.

It also takes a ton of practice.

Stories That Connect Us

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When we’re in a relationship, it’s easy to get stuck on the stories we tell ourselves.

When these stories are based in frustration and fear, they live inside us and are rarely spoken out loud.

We lose ourselves in them and the moment we do, we shut out the people we care about most.

Actually, we shut out everyone because once we get caught up in the story, we’re no longer present with people and the world around us.

We become overwhelmed or distracted and it’s hard to function optimally.

When these internal conversations get big enough, we can’t hold them anymore and we might feel compelled to share them with others (aka venting or gossiping).

When a relationship is in high distress, the storylines we tell ourselves are often disparaging and untrue. Because we’ve told them so many times, it’s hard to believe they could be otherwise.

Sometimes we resort to telling stories about our partner that include name-calling.

It’s a downward spiral and our brain finds it almost impossible to step out of that kind of thinking.

As long as we stay in this limited state, we miss out on authentic relationships with people…especially the ones we care about most.

It keeps us trapped and small. Of course, we can be polite, but there’s little room for the expansiveness of Love.

Recognizing and speaking our storylines out loud along with

the meaning behind them and

the emotions that fuel them

morphs into compassion, presence, and connection.

Young happy couple

Communication, Creativity and Contradictions

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Reading any news headline makes me think deeply about the source of turmoil.

We can pretend things will get back to normal soon.

We can tell ourselves that our lives and the world are not forever changed. 

We can continue the exhausting human habit of resisting pain and bracing ourselves for (mostly) imaginary disaster.

We can even continue to relate to each other as before; tiptoeing around the under-currents of anger and tension. 

We have a choice; we can hold back or we can speak up. 

What keeps us from speaking up at home AND in the world, I believe, is fear. 

It also prevents us from loving well.

The moment we recognize our emotions as the organizing principle of truth and we’re willing to speak them out loud…..

We’re inclined to take more risks and make a ruckus.

That’s when our relationships are transformed.

Spoiler alert – speaking our emotions is not the same as venting, blaming, criticizing or acting out.

Rather, it’s a courageous and messy process brimming with creativity, communication and contradiction. 

One way or another, it seems we’re all headed in the direction of more truth-telling.

Either we embrace the shift or we keep doing things the old way.

Isn’t it good to know we have a choice?

Love, Loneliness and Connection

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My attorney married his college sweetheart after she finished medical school.

They were married only a short time, which he describes as the loneliest three years of his life.

To this day, he has never remarried.

In 2018, loneliness emerged as a silent epidemic in North America.

In today’s almost-post-quarantine-world, we have a national health crisis on our hands.

Oddly, loneliness is not defined by our surroundings nor does it have a direct relationship to distance or geography.

We can feel lonely and emotionally alone even in beautiful space with people we love.

It’s an internal sense or comfort level and is distinct from solitude.

Solitude is an opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. It’s voluntary and tends to enhance our personal growth, creativity and well-being. It brings up emotions…but in a good way.

Loneliness feels heavy and is burdened with shame. Stigma surrounds it and creates an unconscious desire to escape. The brain says, “Anywhere but here.”

In research circles, there is an evolution in thinking about loneliness and its link to depression, anxiety and addiction.

Meanwhile, most people have become experts at suppressing loneliness with magical thinking and….let’s admit it….our over use of electronic devices.

When that doesn’t work, we withdraw, stay busy or self-medicate with something or someone.

As unrelenting as the state of loneliness may seem, it is reversible.

First, we can lift the burden of shame by recognizing and acknowledging that we all need human connection as much as we need food and water.

Then we can de-stigmatize loneliness by talking about our experiences and understanding it for what it is:

a near-universal human condition we can do something about.

The Moment I Knew…

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I had mine at 42 and have had several since.

Almost everyone has a moment. It’s when you know or understand something that was previously a source of confusion. Somehow out of reach.

This moment of clarity can be filled with relief…or terror.

Maybe it’s been germinating in the background for years. But when a ‘moment of knowing’ shows up, it feels sudden…and it’s packed with lessons that teach us how to listen and trust ourselves.

If we listen, life starts moving in a new direction.

Here are some examples of such moments……

  • I’m going to marry him/her.
  • We’re pregnant.
  • My life isn’t working anymore.
  • Something’s got to change.
  • I’m going to start a business.
  • I need to go back to school.
  • I want a new job.
  • I’m going to leave him/her.
  • S/he is going to divorce me.
  • We need an intervention.
  • I’ve been betrayed.
  • I must do that ONE thing I’m afraid to do…or at least try!

Typically, these are intimate landmark moments of knowing. They’re about ordinary things….that end up creating memorable, life-altering experiences.

These game-changing moments do not like being neglected.

When ignored, they don’t disappear.

Instead, they wait patiently…for years, sometimes decades…until the next opportunity arises.

And, when it taps you on the shoulder, that’s when you know. This is the moment.

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