Couples Counseling Articles

Are You Over, Under or With?

Partnership is reciprocal. It’s a two way street. You talk, play, listen and engage with a partner.

Control is another matter. You are either under someone’s control or you apply control over them.

We live in a culture that endorses freedom, and at the same time, teaches people to seek out and admire the powerful. We reward powerful teachers, coaches, CEOs, celebrities and authority figures who tell us what to do. Not always consciously. It’s just the way it is. Familiar and easy.

Until it seeps into our intimate relationships and we find ourselves over or under. But not with. Blaming. Accusing. Defending. Insisting. Do it this way. Not that way. How could you? Why would you? You should…… You shouldn’t……

Connection changes this dynamic. Undermines it. But getting there is scary as hell.

It’s scary to own our stuff and speak truth. To be vulnerable and acknowledge our own limitations. It’s downright terrifying to be responsible for our distorted perceptions and set them aside to get to truth. So we negotiate, protect, make deals or trade-offs instead. Sometimes we leave.

In partnership, the big question is….What am I willing to feel, think, say and do to have the relationship I want and so richly deserve.

Ask, but only when you’re ready to be with.