Most relationships end up pretty far from where they start out.
Life dishes out lots of challenges, speed bumps and misunderstandings. But when partners persist and are open to change, they can create a safe space for peace and connection.
This doesn’t mean we lead a problem-free life. Rather, life’s challenges can bring us closer and allow us to share what may sometimes feel like a heavy load.
This perspective – leaning into difficult situations together and without struggle – also allows things to untangle in ways that may seem unfamiliar.
Often, the problem is how we relate to each other in everyday challenges and unknowingly step into negative cycles that disconnect us from peace and the people we love.
We humans work hard to get away from rather ordinary yet uncomfortable feelings and situations.
It could be something as simple as being annoyed or hurt by a partner’s comment and leaving the room as frustration bubbles up. Anything to get away and stop those awful feelings.
It takes only a fraction of a second for your brain to interpret the comment and weave a story around it.
In fact, your brain might weave another story around the situation…and then another, and another…making the situation in your mind even more vivid while your frustration turns to rage.
You might be able to tuck it away for a while but sometimes it’s too late and the tension boils over.
If you’re super creative, you’ll find new ways to self-soothe and try to hang in there until things blow over.
But they don’t blow over. Not really. And they don’t go away.
They go underground and linger until the next annoying comment fires up your brain and the negative cycle starts all over again.
My attorney married his college sweetheart after she finished medical school.
They were married only a short time, which he describes as the loneliest three years of his life.
To this day, he has never remarried.
In 2018, loneliness emerged as a silent epidemic in North America.
In today’s almost-post-quarantine-world, we have a national health crisis on our hands.
Oddly, loneliness is not defined by our surroundings nor does it have a direct relationship to distance or geography.
We can feel lonely and emotionally alone even in beautiful space with people we love.
It’s an internal sense or comfort level and is distinct from solitude.
Solitude is an opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. It’s voluntary and tends to enhance our personal growth, creativity and well-being. It brings up emotions…but in a good way.
Loneliness feels heavy and is burdened with shame. Stigma surrounds it and creates an unconscious desire to escape. The brain says, “Anywhere but here.”
In research circles, there is an evolution in thinking about loneliness and its link to depression, anxiety and addiction.
Meanwhile, most people have become experts at suppressing loneliness with magical thinking and….let’s admit it….our over use of electronic devices.
When that doesn’t work, we withdraw, stay busy or self-medicate with something or someone.
As unrelenting as the state of loneliness may seem, it is reversible.
First, we can lift the burden of shame by recognizing and acknowledging that we all need human connection as much as we need food and water.
Then we can de-stigmatize loneliness by talking about our experiences and understanding it for what it is:
a near-universal human condition we can do something about.
After binge watching The Crown a while back, I read that Winston Churchill frequently ran Britain from bed.
He’d stay there till 1pm with his typewriter and Scotch, reading and firing off memos to his ministers.
I’ve always loved that idea and considering where we are these days…..I can tell you…..it’s …awesome!
It’s also luxurious and feels REALLY GOOD. (Minus the Scotch – ONLY because I can’t consume alcohol and work at the same time!)
Where is she going with this?…. you ask.
Well…..I want to remind you, that love and connection feel REALLY GOOD too!
If that feel-good sensation is missing in your relationship, consider this…..
It’s always confusing when partners experience emotional pain AND profess to love each other.
Look a little closer and you’ll notice a sense of unsafe-ness or lack of trust. It happens when we feel
Judged
Invisible
Unappreciated
Unheard
Rejected
Overwhelmed
Not-good enough or
Shamed.
It’s also there when we feel
Hurt
Abandoned
Unimportant
Unwanted
Isolated
Alone
Disconnected or
Desperate.
ALL of these emotions are real and reflect a lack of emotional safety and trust.
This is when our hearts hurt, our brains light up like Christmas trees and our central nervous system goes into overdrive.
This is a UNIVERSAL human experience….and happens automatically when we feel unsafe.
Our bodies (and our brains) respond with the Fight, Flight or Freeze response.
No matter who we are, what we do for a living or where we come from…. our brains and hearts ALWAYS want to know:
Are you there for me?
Am I safe with you?
How are we doing?
What’s next? and
Where do we go from here?
If the answer to any of these questions is ambiguous or a flat out ’No’…… bad things start to happen….from the inside out.
This year, more than any other, our emotions and reactions have been on steroids.
So give yourself – and those around you – a break.
Do whatever you need to do and make mental Wellness YOUR top priority for 2021.
That means committing to self-care by…
Getting enough sleep.
Eating clean food.
Hydrating often.
Moving your body.
Tapping into wisdom.
Having a spiritual connection and…. above all else
Cultivating relationships.
If you can’t do them all – then simply pick ONE and start.
This crazy, crisis-filled year has been a challenge for everyone – including the entire Wellness Team!
We’ve learned a lot and Self-Care is one of the things we’re keenly aware of – now more than ever.
That’s why I want to share a few important details with you before taking my own, personal long-awaited and well-deserved time off.
Our offices will have very limited coverage beginning Monday December 21 thru Friday, January 1 inclusive. We will be back at our desks Monday January 4. We will check email and return calls during that time – but on a very limited basis.
Because what we do is so important to our clients and their families, it’s a priority for the Wellness team to take some solid time to rest and celebrate with our own families.
Please plan accordingly.
If you have questions or want to schedule an appointment, we’d love to hear from you.
You can reach us at or 704-319-5593.
We can serve you best if you let us know what you need as soon as possible
If there’s a little lag time, be patient.
We will get back to you!
We appreciate YOU more than words can say and want only the BEST for you.
We wish you a wonderful Holiday Season and encourage you to take good care of your (PRECIOUS) self and the people you care about!
To bring into or establish association, connection or relation.
To establish a social or sympathetic relationship with a person or thing.
Relating is for people who want to matter. In intimate partnerships it’s about protecting and supporting each other and is the essential ingredient for a fulfilling relationship.
When it’s missing, we’re disconnected and our relationships feel stuck. The stuck-ness is real. It’s undeniable truth, not just a metaphor. Stuck-ness triggers us and shows up in ways that will spin you around, take you down and drop you off in the middle of nowhere – lonely and confused.
That’s the power of emotional disconnection.
That peaceful, loving state we all strive for vanishes.
I’ve always been amazed at how much easier life can be when you have a supportive partner and a great relationship. At least that’s the way it is for most people and, YES, you can have that in YOUR life!
Recently we’ve had a ton of inquiries about our 1-Day Couples Intensives and we always make it a point to be straight-up and let people know who’s best suited for them.
The Wellness 1-Day Couples Intensive may be a perfect fit for you if:
You’re a busy couple
You live locally
You love each other and want things to be better (Not necessarily perfect; just better.)
You’re ready to take that huge and courageous first step
You like the idea of walking away at the end of the day with homework and a clear vision of what’s next
The 1-Day Couples Intensive covers 4-5 weeks of couples therapy in one day, completes our assessment/discovery phase and primes you for ongoing work with one of our amazing, caring therapists.
Have you ever wondered what it means when someone says, ‘We’re drifting apart.’?
It means, “We’re loosing our connection and we don’t know how to find our way back to each other.”
Maybe you can relate. And maybe you’ve been wanting to have heart-to-heart conversations with your partner. But you come off your daily routine physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted so you put it off until the weekend.
Then during your ‘down-time’, when things are going well, the last thing you want to do is upset everyone (including yourself) by having a well-intentioned conversation spin out of control.
In your heart, you know how vital good communication is. It’s the most important skill you can learn when it comes to marriage and relationship success. It’s also the #1 presenting issue when most couples seek help for their relationship.
You can dance around things for a while. Eventually, you’re going to have to talk about the important stuff if you want closeness.
If you don’t know how to have important conversations without spinning into a negative cycle, then it’s impossible to have much security or stability in your relationship.
On the other hand, if you know how to have these conversations or you’re willing to learn, YOU can get to the heart of the matter quickly.
No matter who you are or how long you’ve been together, if you want to improve your relationship and grow closer, you must have CONVERSATIONS that get to the heart of the matter.
That’s why Wellness Counseling Center is excited to provide the most effective relationship information I know of ….all wrapped up in 2 Days and 7 Conversations.
Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop – June 23 & 24, 2018
7 Conversations For You and Your Partner
Charlotte, North Carolina
It’s worth a lot to some people but what is it worth to you?
We know the definition of the word love and we all have an idea of what a relationship ‘should’ be.
We also know what normal looks like. It’s what happens when two people get together, do things and make a pledge.
But connection is rare. It’s when we show up whole, experience the harmony of opposites and surprise ourselves in unexpected ways. It’s an experience beyond normal.
Connection isn’t loud. It creates a kind of tension that buzzes. It’s disruptive and calming at the same time. It unnerves us and feels scary as it breaks through the status quo. It’s full of power, yet has nothing to do with power-over. It changes both people; the giver and the recipient.
In 2018, my team and I look forward to helping you create a new vision of what’s possible – in life and in LOVE.
As a therapist and founder of Wellness Counseling Center, I’ve had the privilege of working with thousands of couples over the years.
This year, I’ve decided to share more LOVE by facilitating workshops, speaking and teaching the amazing model we use here at Wellness.
There is a shift happening in the world of relationships.
And, these radically new concepts about attachment and connection belong in the hands of people who want to be close and make their relationship better!
Deep down, it’s no surprise that communication is the #1 presenting issue with most couples.
The real question is why has it become THE MOST important skill you can learn when it comes to marriage and relationship success?
