Wellness Counseling Center

Helping People Connect

Couples Counseling Articles

Relationship Counseling

Hope, Happiness & Connection

| By

In a world of collective uncertainty, most of us are starting to see the cracks in our relationships, our culture and ourselves.

We feel pressure yet we still hope our closest relationship ends in happily-ever-after…with some everyday happiness sprinkled in along the way.

And, while most of us aren’t expecting perfection or happiness 100% of the time, usually, somewhere along life’s journey, things get challenging and we start accepting painful, relationship chaos with a shrug.

“That’s just the way it is.” You might say.

“Suck it up and move on.”

“We’re busy people, after all”…and so we do…move on…sometimes for years.

We humans are brilliant at compartmentalizing emotions, pressing the reset button and ‘moving on’, so to speak.

Culturally, we may even see it as effective…a sign of strength…or confidence.

The underlying message is… maybe if I stand back and do nothing, things will get better.

Hope has a strong pull on us.

And while hope is important, we rarely see it as a less than optimal relationship strategy.

Hope can trap us into thinking things will improve over time…on their own…without the emotional labor required to expand the way we love, relate and communicate with each other.

So, when you’re ready to plant a seed of connection, take a moment, pause and ask yourself:

What do I truly want my relationship to look like / feel like?

Am I able to express that to my partner/friend/family member clearly; with generosity and without blame?

Drop the assumption “I’m trying…I’m doing everything…and they are the uncaring, unreasonable one.”

Look inward.

Consider dropping your demand for the kind of happiness that looks outward.

As the co-creator of every relationship you’ve ever been in…rather than examining how others show up for you…start by looking inward…and ask:

How do I imagine I show up in this relationship?

Then ask:

How do I actually show up?

It’s Worth Considering

| By

In a safe, intimate partnership, there is nothing more important than approaching each other with an open mind and a vulnerable heart.

The moment we seed our interactions with defenses and demands, we are no longer relating.

It’s subtle, yet over time, we can see how easily and often we project images and comparisons onto our relationships.

When we show up open, without labels or expectations, things start to shift.

The approach is simply to allow; to relax and show up as if you’ve never done it before.

You genuinely don’t know what’s going to happen.

You’re showing up as your unique and original self… willing to relate… not knowing what is going to happen in this moment… or the next.

Your mind is open and your heart is available.

You’re naturally curious and able to experience your partner.

Letting go of all those thoughts of what your relationship should be, is a radical idea.

One worth considering.

Love, Loneliness and Connection

| By

My attorney married his college sweetheart after she finished medical school.

They were married only a short time, which he describes as the loneliest three years of his life.

To this day, he has never remarried.

In 2018, loneliness emerged as a silent epidemic in North America.

In today’s almost-post-quarantine-world, we have a national health crisis on our hands.

Oddly, loneliness is not defined by our surroundings nor does it have a direct relationship to distance or geography.

We can feel lonely and emotionally alone even in beautiful space with people we love.

It’s an internal sense or comfort level and is distinct from solitude.

Solitude is an opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. It’s voluntary and tends to enhance our personal growth, creativity and well-being. It brings up emotions…but in a good way.

Loneliness feels heavy and is burdened with shame. Stigma surrounds it and creates an unconscious desire to escape. The brain says, “Anywhere but here.”

In research circles, there is an evolution in thinking about loneliness and its link to depression, anxiety and addiction.

Meanwhile, most people have become experts at suppressing loneliness with magical thinking and….let’s admit it….our over use of electronic devices.

When that doesn’t work, we withdraw, stay busy or self-medicate with something or someone.

As unrelenting as the state of loneliness may seem, it is reversible.

First, we can lift the burden of shame by recognizing and acknowledging that we all need human connection as much as we need food and water.

Then we can de-stigmatize loneliness by talking about our experiences and understanding it for what it is:

a near-universal human condition we can do something about.

LOVING vs. LONGING

| By

Loving is not the same as longing.

Love is a verb….and an art form.

Like a muscle that must be used or a dance that must be danced, love gets stronger….better with practice.

  • Kindness
  • Vulnerability
  • Patience
  • Humor
  • Generosity
  • Touch
  • Gentleness

Continue Reading LOVING vs. LONGING

Wellness Association Logos