Helping People Connect
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Just a simple reminder on how well you’re doing.
Those anxious moments you had a year ago are gone.
The problem was either resolved or it faded into the background. Something you live with but no longer think of as urgent.
Today there are other issues – for sure!
And, knowing you can get through every single overwhelming moment makes it easier to see what’s real.
When we give our attention to the important stuff instead of the panic within, we learn to build a cycle of goodness.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Can you relate? It happens to all of us.
It’s that moment in your relationship when things are great and suddenly someone gets triggered.
The conversation goes off the rails and your partner makes NO sense.
Communication goes in circles and you both feel frustrated, hurt and confused.
Intuitively you know it’s a negative loop – one that’s almost impossible to stop.
You’ve been here 100 times before and you want to stop it………. but you can’t
You’d love to get your point across. But, what you want MOST is to be heard and understood.
Sometimes you’re left wondering what the heck the argument was even about.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
These negative cycles are UNIVERSAL and every couple has them.
Continue Reading When Conversations Go Off The Rails – Bad Things Happen
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
In relationships, it seems we find a temporary respite… once we figure out how to move away from an anxious moment.
We take the feeling and tuck it, stuff it, ignore it, shove it down, swallow it, absorb it, compartmentalize it, internalize it, pretend it doesn’t apply, hurt or matter.
We skillfully stiffen and blame……
Look the other way to keep from facing fears we don’t even acknowledge… or have words for.
And thanks to brilliant coping mechanisms, electronic devices, social media, 18 hour work days and a hyper-connected culture of friends… we can distract ourselves indefinitely. We call it… moving on.
But we don’t move on. Ever.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Look in the dictionary and the word ‘stuck’ has many meanings. Here’s one:
To be at a standstill.
To become fastened, hindered,
checked, or stationary by
some obstruction.
It’s hard to imagine, but for distressed couples, the biggest obstruction is a negative pattern they know is there but can’t change. People almost always refer to it as a loop, a cycle or a downward spiral.
The biggest indicator that you’re in a downward spiral is a recurring argument that starts slowly at first and usually gets ignored or shoved under the rug.
When that spiral gets momentum, it shreds your relationship and sooner or later you and your partner…..loving people who once felt safe and secure….suddenly feel distant and defensive.
You build walls around your heart and wonder – How did this happen to us?
Couples usually try to strike bargains; asking, negotiating, even demanding that the other person change. If you would just do this…then I’ll to do that…. for example.
Problem is, bargains don’t work and the cycle has you both locked in a pattern of negative emotions, thoughts and behaviors……
Demands and promises turn out to be a set up for disappointment and almost always make matters worse.
What drives this villainous pattern? FEAR
F-false
E-evidence
A-appearing
R-real
It’s a challenge to acknowledge fear at first but once you see it – you can’t NOT see it anymore. And once you see it, you can feel it, talk about it….even do something about it. That’s when everything starts to change.
There’s a shift happening and change is in the air. This might be a great time to take a look around and see how you might be stuck.
Everybody fears something.
What do you fear?
