Couples Counseling Articles

Fear

Fierce Love, Fear, Failure and Relationship

Fierce love craves vulnerability. It’s messy and feels dangerous.

We fear it …. and shield our hearts while hiding in neat and tidy safe zones.

Fear is human. It’s OK. It’s normal and runs deep inside us.

Fear protected our ancestors and kept them alive.

Today, when fear comes over us….and it happens in a nano-second….we all have the same reaction: fight, flight or freeze.

These feelings amplify when we face failure in our relationship.

To cope, we deny the feelings or try to control them.

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A Better Option

It seems there’s a contradiction built into our instinct to take; the more we do it, the less we get.

Sharing is another option and leads to a much better outcome.

Crushing your partner in an argument rarely feels good. Most of us would rather weave words together – in ways that find common ground.

A person without safety, lives in fear. A singer without a voice can’t perform. And if you’re the only one talking, your partner will disappear.

Continue Reading A Better Option

Are You Stuck in a Downward Spiral?

happy-mature-coupleLook in the dictionary and the word ‘stuck’ has many meanings. Here’s one:

To be at a standstill.
To become fastened, hindered,
checked, or stationary by
some obstruction.

It’s hard to imagine, but for distressed couples, the biggest obstruction is a negative pattern they know is there but can’t change. People almost always refer to it as a loop, a cycle or a downward spiral.

The biggest indicator that you’re in a downward spiral is a recurring argument that starts slowly at first and usually gets ignored or shoved under the rug.

When that spiral gets momentum, it shreds your relationship and sooner or later you and your partner…..loving people who once felt safe and secure….suddenly feel distant and defensive.

You build walls around your heart and wonder – How did this happen to us?

Couples usually try to strike bargains; asking, negotiating, even demanding that the other person change. If you would just do this…then I’ll to do that…. for example.

Problem is, bargains don’t work and the cycle has you both locked in a pattern of negative emotions, thoughts and behaviors……

Demands and promises turn out to be a set up for disappointment and almost always make matters worse.

What drives this villainous pattern? FEAR

F-false
E-evidence
A-appearing
R-real

couple-fireIt’s a challenge to acknowledge fear at first but once you see it – you can’t NOT see it anymore. And once you see it, you can feel it, talk about it….even do something about it. That’s when everything starts to change.

There’s a shift happening and change is in the air. This might be a great time to take a look around and see how you might be stuck.

Everybody fears something.

What do you fear?