Most relationships end up pretty far from where they start out.
Life dishes out lots of challenges, speed bumps and misunderstandings. But when partners persist and are open to change, they can create a safe space for peace and connection.
This doesn’t mean we lead a problem-free life. Rather, life’s challenges can bring us closer and allow us to share what may sometimes feel like a heavy load.
This perspective – leaning into difficult situations together and without struggle – also allows things to untangle in ways that may seem unfamiliar.
Often, the problem is how we relate to each other in everyday challenges and unknowingly step into negative cycles that disconnect us from peace and the people we love.
We humans work hard to get away from rather ordinary yet uncomfortable feelings and situations.
It could be something as simple as being annoyed or hurt by a partner’s comment and leaving the room as frustration bubbles up. Anything to get away and stop those awful feelings.
It takes only a fraction of a second for your brain to interpret the comment and weave a story around it.
In fact, your brain might weave another story around the situation…and then another, and another…making the situation in your mind even more vivid while your frustration turns to rage.
You might be able to tuck it away for a while but sometimes it’s too late and the tension boils over.
If you’re super creative, you’ll find new ways to self-soothe and try to hang in there until things blow over.
But they don’t blow over. Not really. And they don’t go away.
They go underground and linger until the next annoying comment fires up your brain and the negative cycle starts all over again.
Almost everyone has a moment. It’s when you know or understand something that was previously a source of confusion. Somehow out of reach.
This moment of clarity can be filled with relief…or terror.
Maybe it’s been germinating in the background for years. But when a ‘moment of knowing’ shows up, it feels sudden…and it’s packed with lessons that teach us how to listen and trust ourselves.
If we listen, life starts moving in a new direction.
Here are some examples of such moments……
I’m going to marry him/her.
We’re pregnant.
My life isn’t working anymore.
Something’s got to change.
I’m going to start a business.
I need to go back to school.
I want a new job.
I’m going to leave him/her.
S/he is going to divorce me.
We need an intervention.
I’ve been betrayed.
I must do that ONE thing I’m afraid to do…or at least try!
Typically, these are intimate landmark moments of knowing. They’re about ordinary things….that end up creating memorable, life-altering experiences.
These game-changing moments do not like being neglected.
When ignored, they don’t disappear.
Instead, they wait patiently…for years, sometimes decades…until the next opportunity arises.
And, when it taps you on the shoulder, that’s when you know. This is the moment.
After binge watching The Crown a while back, I read that Winston Churchill frequently ran Britain from bed.
He’d stay there till 1pm with his typewriter and Scotch, reading and firing off memos to his ministers.
I’ve always loved that idea and considering where we are these days…..I can tell you…..it’s …awesome!
It’s also luxurious and feels REALLY GOOD. (Minus the Scotch – ONLY because I can’t consume alcohol and work at the same time!)
Where is she going with this?…. you ask.
Well…..I want to remind you, that love and connection feel REALLY GOOD too!
If that feel-good sensation is missing in your relationship, consider this…..
It’s always confusing when partners experience emotional pain AND profess to love each other.
Look a little closer and you’ll notice a sense of unsafe-ness or lack of trust. It happens when we feel
Judged
Invisible
Unappreciated
Unheard
Rejected
Overwhelmed
Not-good enough or
Shamed.
It’s also there when we feel
Hurt
Abandoned
Unimportant
Unwanted
Isolated
Alone
Disconnected or
Desperate.
ALL of these emotions are real and reflect a lack of emotional safety and trust.
This is when our hearts hurt, our brains light up like Christmas trees and our central nervous system goes into overdrive.
This is a UNIVERSAL human experience….and happens automatically when we feel unsafe.
Our bodies (and our brains) respond with the Fight, Flight or Freeze response.
No matter who we are, what we do for a living or where we come from…. our brains and hearts ALWAYS want to know:
Are you there for me?
Am I safe with you?
How are we doing?
What’s next? and
Where do we go from here?
If the answer to any of these questions is ambiguous or a flat out ’No’…… bad things start to happen….from the inside out.
This year, more than any other, our emotions and reactions have been on steroids.
So give yourself – and those around you – a break.
Do whatever you need to do and make mental Wellness YOUR top priority for 2021.
That means committing to self-care by…
Getting enough sleep.
Eating clean food.
Hydrating often.
Moving your body.
Tapping into wisdom.
Having a spiritual connection and…. above all else
Cultivating relationships.
If you can’t do them all – then simply pick ONE and start.
This crazy, crisis-filled year has been a challenge for everyone – including the entire Wellness Team!
We’ve learned a lot and Self-Care is one of the things we’re keenly aware of – now more than ever.
That’s why I want to share a few important details with you before taking my own, personal long-awaited and well-deserved time off.
Our offices will have very limited coverage beginning Monday December 21 thru Friday, January 1 inclusive. We will be back at our desks Monday January 4. We will check email and return calls during that time – but on a very limited basis.
Because what we do is so important to our clients and their families, it’s a priority for the Wellness team to take some solid time to rest and celebrate with our own families.
Please plan accordingly.
If you have questions or want to schedule an appointment, we’d love to hear from you.
You can reach us at or 704-319-5593.
We can serve you best if you let us know what you need as soon as possible
If there’s a little lag time, be patient.
We will get back to you!
We appreciate YOU more than words can say and want only the BEST for you.
We wish you a wonderful Holiday Season and encourage you to take good care of your (PRECIOUS) self and the people you care about!
Whatever it is for YOU…. if you’re trying hard to make things better – you’re not alone.
We’re all pretty good about attending to our children, homes and careers. Yet when it comes to our primary relationship, most of us wing it and hope for the best. STOP!
What YOU want for your relationship is more important today than ever before.
It’s time to dig deep and think about the ONE thing that’s likely to make everything better.
You know what I’m talking about….connection.
It creates the kind of closeness you experience when you have important conversations…. without slipping into that dreaded negative spin.
Connection is a must-have for 21st century relationships and exactly what you’ll experience in our couples workshops.
