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Emotions

Blame is Contagious

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We may love someone but the way we talk to them (or about them) isn’t always loving.

Sometimes, we talk to people we love in ways that are largely inconsistent.

Maybe it has something to do with our limited perception.

It’s tempting to blame and believe the stories we tell.

Blame makes us feel better.

Blame allows us to zoom past our own emotions and discount accountability.

It’s so much easier to point a finger and hold the other person responsible.

Blame discharges anger quickly and doesn’t require any effort to figure out what’s really going on.

These blaming conversations are contagious. 

They’re also the fastest way to embed painful narratives in our relationships.

Space and Relationships

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When I saw the NASA Webb images last month, I felt a deep sense of humility.

This new chapter of scientific exploration takes my breath away and some things came into focus….things I probably should have understood but didn’t.

Not really.

Here’s what became clear for me:

  • In the scheme of things, Earth is remarkably insignificant. (But it’s all we’ve got.)
  • In our own lives, we typically think of empty time and space as unproductive – something to be used or filled as quicky as possible.
  • By filling time and space to capacity, we lose sight of ourselves.
  • We’re on autopilot, busy and distracted.
  • On the rare occasion when we pause, we find it uncomfortable rather than delicious.

In fact, it can be unnerving and can affect our relationships deeply.

We search for something to say….something to do. Anything to avoid the emptiness.

What if, instead, we viewed empty time and space as a cauldron of creative potential…. something that deserves our attention.

Devotion.

Once we understand even the tiniest speck of emptiness contains pure potentiality…pure creativity… we could start to build a framework of value around emptiness.

It’s everywhere.

Emptiness allows us to make sense of words.

For example, there’s empty space between certain letters on the screen and….as we read, that emptiness gives birth to meaning.

Likewise, the space between musical notes and the pause between beautiful phrases allows us to enjoy a symphony or a love song.

The pure potential of empty time and space shows up in our relationships too.

Stillness reveals what’s inside us.

Sometimes, it’s spontaneous joy.

Other times unwelcome emotions and unspeakable thoughts bubble up. They launch us into behaviors we later regret.

Perhaps it’s equally important to explore our inner space.

Because when we turn away from emptiness, we turn away from co-creating our future.

Communication, Creativity and Contradictions

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Reading any news headline makes me think deeply about the source of turmoil.

We can pretend things will get back to normal soon.

We can tell ourselves that our lives and the world are not forever changed. 

We can continue the exhausting human habit of resisting pain and bracing ourselves for (mostly) imaginary disaster.

We can even continue to relate to each other as before; tiptoeing around the under-currents of anger and tension. 

We have a choice; we can hold back or we can speak up. 

What keeps us from speaking up at home AND in the world, I believe, is fear. 

It also prevents us from loving well.

The moment we recognize our emotions as the organizing principle of truth and we’re willing to speak them out loud…..

We’re inclined to take more risks and make a ruckus.

That’s when our relationships are transformed.

Spoiler alert – speaking our emotions is not the same as venting, blaming, criticizing or acting out.

Rather, it’s a courageous and messy process brimming with creativity, communication and contradiction. 

One way or another, it seems we’re all headed in the direction of more truth-telling.

Either we embrace the shift or we keep doing things the old way.

Isn’t it good to know we have a choice?

Love, Loneliness and Connection

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My attorney married his college sweetheart after she finished medical school.

They were married only a short time, which he describes as the loneliest three years of his life.

To this day, he has never remarried.

In 2018, loneliness emerged as a silent epidemic in North America.

In today’s almost-post-quarantine-world, we have a national health crisis on our hands.

Oddly, loneliness is not defined by our surroundings nor does it have a direct relationship to distance or geography.

We can feel lonely and emotionally alone even in beautiful space with people we love.

It’s an internal sense or comfort level and is distinct from solitude.

Solitude is an opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. It’s voluntary and tends to enhance our personal growth, creativity and well-being. It brings up emotions…but in a good way.

Loneliness feels heavy and is burdened with shame. Stigma surrounds it and creates an unconscious desire to escape. The brain says, “Anywhere but here.”

In research circles, there is an evolution in thinking about loneliness and its link to depression, anxiety and addiction.

Meanwhile, most people have become experts at suppressing loneliness with magical thinking and….let’s admit it….our over use of electronic devices.

When that doesn’t work, we withdraw, stay busy or self-medicate with something or someone.

As unrelenting as the state of loneliness may seem, it is reversible.

First, we can lift the burden of shame by recognizing and acknowledging that we all need human connection as much as we need food and water.

Then we can de-stigmatize loneliness by talking about our experiences and understanding it for what it is:

a near-universal human condition we can do something about.

What’s The New Workplace Imperative?

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Humans are complicated and yet…we’re not, really.

We like to think of ourselves as strictly rational beings.

But at the end of the day neuroscience tells us we are driven first… by emotions.

A better understanding of brain science (and our experiences with it) helps us be more in tune with ourselves and others.

Turns out, emotions play a huge role in helping us reach our full potential.

Emotions drive our thoughts and behaviors.

Ultimately, people perform based on how they feel.

How does it feel to work in your organization?

Under the circumstances of 2020, most of us carry on with our lives as best we can.

While we outwardly joke about it…most of us quietly wonder what’s in store for 2021.

What changes are ahead? What will stay the same?

Work, home-school, kids, parenting, care-giving…. routines are beginning to look “normal” again…on the surface.

Most of us are getting enough sleep, working out and eating well.

Still, things feel different and not quite right.

So, what’s going on?

As I see it, we’re experiencing a flood of different emotions every day and don’t quite know what to call them…how to talk about them…or process them.

These universal human emotions… like overwhelm, reactivity, fog, sadness, confusion, fear, anger…and grief are uncomfortable and for many of us…new.

They’re also unfamiliar and when we experience them it’s common to ruminate and slip into critical thoughts and negativity.

Then, when self-criticism slips in, we’re off and running with catastrophic thinking.

The first thing to do is stop. Take a deep breath and know this is completely normal.

It’s the fight or flight response at work and even though there are no lions or tigers chasing us, the ancient cellular structure of our bodies and brains kick in.…trying to protect us.

We’re hardwired to avoid danger.

So, what to do when we’re in this swirl of thoughts and emotions?

I like to stop and lean into the feelings.

I notice the sensations in my body and acknowledge them with as much compassion as I can muster.

In The Guest House, Rumi the 13th century Persian poet, reminds us not to resist the thoughts and emotions passing through us but to meet them with courage, warmth, and respect.

And what does this have to do with leadership?

Today’s cutting-edge leader, has the opportunity to grow and support others in this new and uncertain environment.

It starts with the willingness to be candid about our own experiences and give others the space to do the same. And, it all comes together through meaningful conversations with our team that reduce fear, increase trust and build human connection.

This is the New Workplace Imperative.

If you would like to know more about applying the principles of Emotional Safety and Trust with your team, click here to read more:

https://EmotionalSafetyandTrust.com

Time to Lean In and Get Started

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2020 is coming to a close (did I really just say that?).

So much has changed..and NOT as I might have imagined.

The events of this year not only changed the way we work and live…they also changed us.

Team members who went home in March are not the same people who left the workplace…with their desktops… on a moment’s notice.

I think about this profound change and human resilience a lot.

I think a lot about how this rapid change has affected me…my work…my family…my world.

Across the country and world-wide, knowledge-workers rallied and set up offices at home with the speed and efficiency never seen before….and we have all been impacted.

We’ve had new experiences and seen things we cannot un-see, un-hear or un-know.

  • Have you taken time to reflect on your own experience?
  • Do you know how your team members are doing?
  • Do you know how they’ve been impacted?
  • Are you clear about what they need, think and feel?

Probably not, because as a rule, people aren’t comfortable talking about these things openly; especially their emotional well-being. As a leader, you may not feel comfortable asking.

And it’s hard to know how wide the gap is between what you think is going on and what people know to be true in their own lives.

We know organizations depend on people and it’s clear…. from this point forward…those that lead with a People-First philosophy will stand out and win.

Engaging people and creating Emotional Safety and Trust in the workplace will be considered table-stakes for survival.

That means it’s important to build a culture by having sometimes uncomfortable conversations that create emotional safety, reduce fear, increase trust and build human connection.

As we lean into these courageous conversations and build strong bonds between people we create winning cultures that attract and retain the best talent.

Today, cutting-edge leaders understand there’s a direct correlation between connection and belonging, and the human ability to be effective, high-performing and engaged.

This is great news!

It’s also the new workplace imperative…because without this very basic understanding and application, cultures will continue to focus on symptoms without addressing the root cause of what’s really going on.

It’s time to lean in, roll up our sleeves and get started.

If you would like to know more about applying the principles of Emotional Safety and Trust with your team, click here to read more:

https://EmotionalSafetyandTrust.com

Are you swimming in the dark?

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Even if you’re a great swimmer, you cannot see what’s ahead of you if you’re swimming in the dark. The path forward is unclear and more than a little scary. 

Leading in 2020 feels a lot like swimming in the dark. 

I believe that the acceleration of everything around us coupled with paralyzing uncertainty is forcing us to think, feel and act differently. And, to lead more courageously. 

It is more important than ever to challenge not only our thinking but our beliefs; preconceived notions of success, of the way things get done and the conversations that we have. 

As a leader, applying tried and true techniques hoping to inspire your team to perform and achieve results may be leaving you flat; as if something’s missing. Our trusted and familiar skill-set is our default…yet is proving ineffective in today’s environment. 

There’s a sense of disconnect with our teams. Some days even despondence. Old methods don’t seem to apply. 

The world has changed. We’ve changed. 

One thing I know for sure is that that disconnected employees statistically underperform; negatively affecting the customer experience, revenue & profits, your operation and culture. 

Bottom line, people perform based on how they feel.

What scientists know for sure today is that humans are hardwired for connection and …emotions drive behavior and performance. 

To positively impact engagement and other key performance indicators, this basic human understanding about our need for connection is foundational everywhere including the workplace. 

It needs the attention of leadership – at every level. 

How do your employees feel? It’s an uncomfortable question and sometimes difficult to talk about what’s really going on. Why? Because conversations like this require courage and for many, a new skill set. 

They require a new mind-set too because these conversations on the surface are usually pretty simple but difficult to implement. They require leaders to step into new and unfamiliar territory. 

The path to building a new culture of engagement and high performance starts you; with powerful yet uncomfortable conversations that reduce fear and build human connection. 

That’s why we’ve embarked on a new initiative – to focus on conversations that build Emotional Safety and Trust. We call it, The New Workplace Imperative. 

I do believe it’s time to lean into and facilitate some simple, illuminating conversations in the workplace that get to the heart of the matter. 

People want to know it’s safe to speak up and be curious, to make mistakes and to be vulnerable. They want to fit in and be a contributing member of the team, yet they may not know how. 

They’re likely to be swimming in dark waters too. 

This is a moment when leaders can build a culture, together with their team, through creative, game-changing conversations that reduce fear, increase trust and build human connections. 

When people feel connected, they feel safe…they can be creative, innovative and try new things.

This is the new emerging paradigm of PEOPLE FIRST…performance, productivity and profit will follow. 

If this inspires you and you’d like to connect with other like-minded leaders to know more about Emotional Safety and Trust: The New Workplace Imperative, please visit: 

https://EmotionalSafetyAndTrust.com

We’ll be talking about this a lot in the new year!

You’re Invited to a Couples Workshop: 2 Days – 7 Conversations

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Have you ever wondered what it means when someone says, ‘We’re drifting apart.’?

It means, “We’re loosing our connection and we don’t know how to find our way back to each other.”

Maybe you can relate. And maybe you’ve been wanting to have heart-to-heart conversations with your partner. But you come off your daily routine physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted so you put it off until the weekend.

Then during your ‘down-time’, when things are going well, the last thing you want to do is upset everyone (including yourself) by having a well-intentioned conversation spin out of control.

In your heart, you know how vital good communication is. It’s the most important skill you can learn when it comes to marriage and relationship success. It’s also the #1 presenting issue when most couples seek help for their relationship.

You can dance around things for a while. Eventually, you’re going to have to talk about the important stuff if you want closeness.

If you don’t know how to have important conversations without spinning into a negative cycle, then it’s impossible to have much security or stability in your relationship.

On the other hand, if you know how to have these conversations or you’re willing to learn, YOU can get to the heart of the matter quickly.

No matter who you are or how long you’ve been together, if you want to improve your relationship and grow closer, you must have CONVERSATIONS that get to the heart of the matter.

That’s why Wellness Counseling Center is excited to provide the most effective relationship information I know of ….all wrapped up in 2 Days and 7 Conversations.

Hold Me Tight® Couples Workshop – June 23 & 24, 2018
7 Conversations For You and Your Partner
Charlotte, North Carolina

Get the details: http://TheWellnessCounselingCenter.com/hmt

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