Couples Counseling
Only For You
The story you tell yourself is true, but only for you.
We see and hear everything through our own eyes and ears.
Our brain compares what we see and hear to what we expect. Then, our brain creates stories around every interaction we have.
We form an opinion, make judgments and the story we tell ourself becomes our truth. It’s our understanding of the world. Those stories become our belief… about a person, place or situation. It’s how we make sense of things.
We Got The Wrong Message!
Somehow, we got the message that love is mystical and magical. That it appears, then disappears. Motivates us. Confuses us. And, of course, we have no control over it.
Not true!
Over the past 10 years or so we’ve learned a lot about love. Brain science has completely changed our understanding of what’s possible when it comes to shaping a loving relationship.
So much so that our whole culture is shifting and personal expectations are growing. Have you noticed? While we used to settle for good enough, today we want connection.
We want to be cherished, accepted, respected and understood. We want more from our partners and while it doesn’t have to be perfect… we believe we deserve better.
I’ve struggled with this too!
We all know falling in love is the easy part. Keeping love alive is the BIG challenge, right?
When we try to remake our parents relationship into our own or use them as relationship role models, it doesn’t work well for most of us. In part, because they lived less complicated lives with clear expectations in a very different era.
Still, it’s hard to let go of the image of perfection or how things should be.
Making room for the new means letting go of old expectations that end up building walls of resentment.
When we can say, this is OUR relationship – not my mother’s / not my father’s – we switch into the role of co-creator.
Consciously, we begin to sketch out what WE want this relationship to be and care enough to make it happen.
Our Hold Me Tight® Workshop for Couples (June 29 & 30) lays it all out there for you. Seven conversations over two days that have the capacity to change the way you see your partner AND your relationship. It’s perfect for couples who have conversations that either escalate or don’t ever seem to get resolved.
Some Thoughts On Relating
To relate:
- To bring into or establish association, connection or relation.
- To establish a social or sympathetic relationship with a person or thing.
Relating is for people who want to matter. In intimate partnerships it’s about protecting and supporting each other and is the essential ingredient for a fulfilling relationship.
When it’s missing, we’re disconnected and our relationships feel stuck. The stuck-ness is real. It’s undeniable truth, not just a metaphor. Stuck-ness triggers us and shows up in ways that will spin you around, take you down and drop you off in the middle of nowhere – lonely and confused.
That’s the power of emotional disconnection.
That peaceful, loving state we all strive for vanishes.
Is It Worth It?
It depends.
Before we can even begin to evaluate the worth of a good relationship, it’s important to understand what’s at stake.
The answers aren’t always clear in the near term.
But we’ve learned a few things over time.
If you want to know how valuable a good relationship is, the Harvard Study is a great resource.
It started in 1938, is still going on, included only men (Harvard wasn’t coed at the time) and now includes wives, children and grandchildren.
- Close relationships keep us happy over time; significantly more so than money or fame.
- Relationships and how happy we are in them has a powerful effect on our health.
- Loneliness kills and is as dangerous to our health as smoking and alcoholism.
If You Can’t Name It Or Claim It… You Can’t Change It
It doesn’t help to tell your partner how much you hurt or what a disappointment they’ve been unless you’re willing to look at the whole picture.
They’ll take it as an attack and fight back with an argument or they’ll shut down. None of that works.
You can’t have a real conversation with your partner until you can agree on what happens between you. You’ve got to be willing to look at the data.
Ah-ha moments come with new insights. By seeing patterns… and recognizing how we effect each other when we dismiss, blame, criticize and ignore.
Without exploring what’s really happening, it’s impossible to accomplish much.
After all, when we don’t like what’s happening, it’s easiest to blame somebody else. “It’s not me, it’s you…” Then you’re off the hook.
Continue Reading If You Can’t Name It Or Claim It… You Can’t Change It
It’s The Communication, Cupid!
Most couples want to improve their communication. And, now more than ever, it’s good to be precise.
Clear, unambiguous language is better than expecting people to interpret your gestures, read your mind or guess what you want.
When you ask for what you need from the creative and powerful stance of vulnerability, tenderness and love, your partner can hear you.
