Helping People Connect
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
It’s risky to check-in and reflect on an intimate relationship because when it’s good, it’s very good. You don’t want to rock the boat.
When it’s bad, all you want to do is fix, hide or move on and hope things get better soon.
If you step back for a minute, these six simple questions will provide a panoramic view of your relationship.
What is its purpose and does it guide you?
Love is essential and love is grand yet not enough. A 21st century relationship also needs purpose to survive.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
In a restaurant the other day I heard a man say, “I love my wife and we don’t have kids but it seems nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared me for this thing called marriage.” It was a moment of truth and took my breath away.
This Holiday Season, as I watch shoppers, I find myself reflecting on the rarest of gifts; the one thing people want most and money can’t buy:
A long-term, happy, not-perfect-but-relatively stress-free marriage (or long-term committed relationship) where they can feel valued, respected, appreciated and heard.
It sounds simple and perfectly rational, right?
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Now and then I reflect on something I heard John Gottmann say.
Gottman is one of the worlds leading researchers on marriage and I’m paraphrasing the man but, in essence, he said:
When it comes to couples and long-term committed relationships, there are the Masters, the Disasters……. and then there’s everyone in between…… brailling their way through.
Continue Reading The Masters, The Disasters and Everyone in Between
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Most people would never consider assigning a value to their relationship. Just ask. The answer: It’s priceless. 
But make a mess of things, add an eye-roll, some resentment, ignore, criticize, throw in some run-around-crazy-busy-ness, the daily tasks of living and the constant, insistent lure of electronic devices – – it’s remarkably easy to damage something we consider priceless.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Look in the dictionary and the word ‘stuck’ has many meanings. Here’s one:
To be at a standstill.
To become fastened, hindered,
checked, or stationary by
some obstruction.
It’s hard to imagine, but for distressed couples, the biggest obstruction is a negative pattern they know is there but can’t change. People almost always refer to it as a loop, a cycle or a downward spiral.
The biggest indicator that you’re in a downward spiral is a recurring argument that starts slowly at first and usually gets ignored or shoved under the rug.
When that spiral gets momentum, it shreds your relationship and sooner or later you and your partner…..loving people who once felt safe and secure….suddenly feel distant and defensive.
You build walls around your heart and wonder – How did this happen to us?
Couples usually try to strike bargains; asking, negotiating, even demanding that the other person change. If you would just do this…then I’ll to do that…. for example.
Problem is, bargains don’t work and the cycle has you both locked in a pattern of negative emotions, thoughts and behaviors……
Demands and promises turn out to be a set up for disappointment and almost always make matters worse.
What drives this villainous pattern? FEAR
F-false
E-evidence
A-appearing
R-real
It’s a challenge to acknowledge fear at first but once you see it – you can’t NOT see it anymore. And once you see it, you can feel it, talk about it….even do something about it. That’s when everything starts to change.
There’s a shift happening and change is in the air. This might be a great time to take a look around and see how you might be stuck.
Everybody fears something.
What do you fear?
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Like most folks, you probably thought having a safe, secure base and being dependent on another human being should be limited to parents and children.
Growing up, you were probably taught, explicitly or implicitly, that the most desirable option for any self-respecting adult was independence; that needing someone… relying on someone… and needing reassurance was a sure sign of weakness.
Fortunately, there’s a new paradigm emerging and the science is clear.
It turns out, effective, healthy and mutual dependence is an extraordinary advantage in life.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
Happy couples aren’t perfect the way you might imagine. They fuss and disagree just like everyone else. What’s unique about these couples is that partners are able to step out of negative situations fairly quickly and they do it together. They don’t brood, attack or stonewall each other.
Partners are available and engaged in affirming ways. If there’s a misunderstanding or hurt feelings, they tend to the hurt rather than blame or defend. Partners are able to reach out, connect and repair even when things are difficult.
These aren’t sweeping gestures. They’re tiny, courageous acts of love that have huge impact and bring lovers close.
Continue Reading 3 Things Happy Couples Do (Almost) Every Day
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
The books arrived!
And, we’re excited about gifting this extraordinary relationship tool to our scheduled clients during the month of May.
We’re doing this because we understand that when someone you love is stressed or overwhelmed, you want to help and may not know how.
A well-intentioned word or attempt to fix the problem can be misunderstood and then …
it’s downhill from there. If you and your partner get caught in a negative cycle, the argument can go on for hours….sometimes days. Its a painful way to live.
Enter, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, 
a wonderful book that helps couples understand their negative cycle. It brings insight and logic to the world of emotions and supports your work with us.
Continue Reading For Your Relationship Toolbox – Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
A friend popped by my office recently to say hello and drop off a bouquet of flowers – for no particular reason! She stayed only a minute reminding me that every act and every word hold the seed of possibility to change a person’s whole life – for better or worse.
The way we cultivate our relationships determines the life we get to live. Relationships give us direct and immediate feedback of who we are and how we show up in the world. Connection is the key for a great outcome.
| By Anne Hancock, Psy.D.
I believe in Love.
I believe in its power and I believe Love is a source for all-good.
I believe in Loves’ ability to heal.
It confuses and appears dangerous at times, yet it is vital to our physical and emotional well-being.
Everyone needs it, wants it, longs for it and will do just about anything to get it.
Isn’t it odd then, that in this millennium, an age of non-stop social interaction, nuclear fission and living in space stations…..the world knows precious little about Love?
