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If You Can’t Name It Or Claim It… You Can’t Change It

It doesn’t help to tell your partner how much you hurt or what a disappointment they’ve been unless you’re willing to look at the whole picture.

They’ll take it as an attack and fight back with an argument or they’ll shut down. None of that works.

You can’t have a real conversation with your partner until you can agree on what happens between you. You’ve got to be willing to look at the data.

Ah-ha moments come with new insights. By seeing patterns… and recognizing how we effect each other when we dismiss, blame, criticize and ignore.

Without exploring what’s really happening, it’s impossible to accomplish much.

After all, when we don’t like what’s happening, it’s easiest to blame somebody else. “It’s not me, it’s you…” Then you’re off the hook.

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Tapping Into Generosity

You can’t expect much from a person who’s hurting or in crisis. Someone who’s drowning isn’t going to offer up a cocktail or ask about your day.

They’re in a panic and focused on keeping their head above water.

Generosity requires space and attention.

Stepping back. Tuning in.

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Choosing Chocolate

It used to be easy to choose a chocolate bar.  Sectioned milk chocolate in a brown wrapper.  Done.

Today it’s more complicated and choosing a chocolate bar has consequences – real or perceived.

  • Is the cocoa content over 70%?
  • Is it compatible with red wine?
  • Will it reduce my cortisol levels?
  • Increase blood circulation to my brain?
  • Is it gluten free?
  • USDA Organic?
  • Were the beans sustainably grown and were the growers paid a fair wage?

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Fierce Love, Fear, Failure and Relationship

Fierce love craves vulnerability. It’s messy and feels dangerous.

We fear it …. and shield our hearts while hiding in neat and tidy safe zones.

Fear is human. It’s OK. It’s normal and runs deep inside us.

Fear protected our ancestors and kept them alive.

Today, when fear comes over us….and it happens in a nano-second….we all have the same reaction: fight, flight or freeze.

These feelings amplify when we face failure in our relationship.

To cope, we deny the feelings or try to control them.

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Are You Over, Under or With?

Partnership is reciprocal. It’s a two way street. You talk, play, listen and engage with a partner.

Control is another matter. You are either under someone’s control or you apply control over them.

We live in a culture that endorses freedom, and at the same time, teaches people to seek out and admire the powerful. We reward powerful teachers, coaches, CEOs, celebrities and authority figures who tell us what to do. Not always consciously. It’s just the way it is. Familiar and easy.

Until it seeps into our intimate relationships and we find ourselves over or under. But not with. Blaming. Accusing. Defending. Insisting. Do it this way. Not that way. How could you? Why would you? You should…… You shouldn’t……

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It’s The Communication, Cupid!

Most couples want to improve their communication. And, now more than ever, it’s good to be precise.

Clear, unambiguous language is better than expecting people to interpret your gestures, read your mind or guess what you want.

When you ask for what you need from the creative and powerful stance of vulnerability, tenderness and love, your partner can hear you.

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A Better Option

It seems there’s a contradiction built into our instinct to take; the more we do it, the less we get.

Sharing is another option and leads to a much better outcome.

Crushing your partner in an argument rarely feels good. Most of us would rather weave words together – in ways that find common ground.

A person without safety, lives in fear. A singer without a voice can’t perform. And if you’re the only one talking, your partner will disappear.

Continue Reading A Better Option

Please Say Yes!

How you tune in is how you Love.

You can take that as a statement, a suggestion or the opportunity of a lifetime.

How you tune in is how you live.

Can you stay present when you see pain in her eyes?

Can you hear her gasp for your tenderness?

Can you feel his pain when a good man says, I don’t know how to make you happy?

Only by tuning in. Observing. Honoring the longing.

Continue Reading Please Say Yes!

When It’s Time To Repair

When you drop a glass on the kitchen floor it’s not confusing because you know it’s broken and you know what to do.

You sweep it up carefully and throw it away.

It’s not so clear when things deteriorate slowly…especially with big ticket items like your house or car.  You have to pay attention and you’ll need knowledge and wisdom to assess the situation.

You’ll also have to use judgement and decide when and how to make repairs.

This is true for relationships too….and everything else that matters.